Crabs For Thought

Dedicated for my friend Puru who passed away much before his time. He would have blogged this if he was here today. RIP Puru, we all miss you.

15th December, 2002

Crabs For Thought

I have written two pieces over the last three weeks, and I pine for readers' comments. Maybe it is the Christmas season, and Santa has stolen the month's agenda.

More likely, and as I said in my last column, it could be George Bush who done the stealing, leaving everyone else numb. It is time I lightened your gloom, and brought you some Christmas cheer with a recipe that would set great chefs and taste-bud-licking-gourmets dancing with joy.

I have this friend Gautam Nath who is crazy about sea-food. Mention crab to him and he breaks into a jig and a whoop. He is Bengali, and so is my wife. When together, they break into an animated discussion about shoshur-maach, cerab, ilish-maach, and what not. All gibberish to a tandoori-chicken loving Punjabi - me!

This friend, a veritable globe trotting market researcher, set up a Crab Lovers' Club in Delhi last year, and trotted up a membership of an 'Eager Fourteen Acolytes' within a week. So far, so good! Then came the problems. He was the chef catering to his acolytes' gastronomic yearnings, and with the club's meetings always held at his place, and at his cost too, it finally led to the demise of the noble institution. Now it's run as a clandestine underground club with secret passwords and special invitees only.

Here is one of his famed recipes for Chilli Crabs that I stole. The italics are entirely my additions to make the cooking easier for you.

First, the ingredients!

One kilogram of fresh cleaned crab in the shell. Separate claws, and rent body asunder into two parts before crab bites you.
500 grams finely chopped onions. Also a pair of hankies to wipe away tears during chopping process.
500 grams tomatoes whole.
4 table spoons red chilli powder. (Sachets of Eno are an optional accessory, and dosage depends upon the fire in your belly after eating Chilli Crab.)
A table-spoonful of turmeric.
Lemon juice. (If you are going to let the chillies burn your guts, you might as well add a few acid drops to accelerate the job)
A handful of chopped coriander leaves. (Large hands half full, normal hands full-full, baby's hands too dirty - so throw coriander leaves away and rush to shopping mall for more)
Four medium size cloves of garlic, finely chopped.
One small piece (size of your thumb) ginger, finely chopped. (Ensure that you chop the ginger, and not the thumb)
Salt to taste; yours, not your mother in law!
Two cups of washed Basmati rice
One cup of cooking oil.
Two cups of milk.
One wife willing to clean the mess.
One fire extinguisher.

Having collected all this stuff through the morning, the cooking comes next.

1. Invite three friends over for the bash.
2. In the absence of wife, or refusal by her to participate in the sport, pour a round of drinks for your friends.
3. Take a deep pot. (You have to have something to cook in)
4. Put in the oil and let it come to heat, keeping all randy dogs away from the oil.
5. Having shooed away dogs, cats, etc., add bay leaves, ginger, and continuously stir for a minute till light brown.
6. Pour another round of drinks for eager friends to prevent their departure.
7. Stir in the onions, and let them brown until they give out their water.
8. Blanch the tomatoes in a separate pan of boiling water for a few minutes. Remove and throw away peels, and roughly mash up the rest and add to frying onions.
9. Put in turmeric powder and a cup of water and let it cook, stirring it occasionally till it becomes a thick paste.
10. Add the crabs and gently stir as you see the color turning red.
11. Tie down impatient friends with nylon rope before they slink out of the house.
12. Add the red chilli powder (more if you like to sweat - highly recommended in case you want to save the cost of going to the gym, less if you want to live long.)
13. Add the lemon juice and stir the lot for a few minutes.
14. Add water till the crabs are two thirds covered - Stir and leave it on slow fire to cook for 10 minutes. Cover.
15. After 10 minutes, remove the cover and put the heat on high, stirring occasionally till the water level reduces to about one fourth the level of the crabs. Add salt to taste and stir gently, shut the fire.
16. Boil the rice separately (in half water, half milk) and keep ready. Two cups rice, two cups water and two cups milk with a touch of butter and salt would do fine.
17. Take pity on friends, untie them, and pour another round of drinks.
18. Pick up and place the crabs in a see through dish. (Keep bikini clad females and male life guards out of see through dish) Then pour its gravy on top and garnish with the coriander leaves.
19. Discover that you haven't used the garlic, so throw it into the dustbin before someone discovers the mistake, and makes you feel stupid.

The Serving

1. Since the preparation is for four, and with the three hours you took to get the chilli crab together, your friends may have sneaked out of your house for the nearest restaurant. Be prepared for nasty notes, and terminated friendships. Having a few friends handy in the cupboard could be useful under the circumstances.
2. If your wife fell for the gimmick and joined you for the crabs, take phone off hook and prepare for uninterrupted thrashing of a lifetime. Do not argue while thrashing is in progress, lest it leads to divorce.
3. If wife walks out after thrashing you, try inviting Saddam Hussein and George Bush for a peace conference. Ensure you have a pair of toilets with gold fittings for visiting dignitaries to use after downing the chilli crabs.
4. In case Saddam and George don't turn up, sit down, roll up your sleeves, eat crab, and howl like lonely werewolf in the Arctic night.

Purshottam Bhardwaj